Time to Call Our Love Quits?

Many years ago, my friend's husband admitted to having an affair . Together they sought help from a marriage counselor . After a few sessions, her husband told the counselor that he was willing to work on his marriage but wasn't ready to give up his girlfriend. That's when the therapist said that there was nothing she could do for them.

There are few situations that a therapist will wholeheartedly reject. A skilled counselor can help each partner identify his or her closely held values and find possible areas of compromise. But sometimes, the beliefs or values that individuals hold are so disparate that there can be no middle ground.

When Lorna and Mark (names changed) became engaged, Mark thought that Lorna, who was in her early 40s, had resolved her ambivalence over having children and was ready to begin a family. As the months passed, Lorna found herself less enthralled with the idea. When it became evident that she was really wished to remain childless , Lorna and Mark's relationship began to unravel. Mark had to do some deep soul searching and examine his own values. In the end, there could be no compromise. He wanted children. She absolutely did not. Although they deeply loved each other, Mark and Lorna broke off their engagement.

Eventually, Mark met a younger woman whose values were more in line with his own. They are married and eager to start a family. Lorna, on the other hand, is in a relationship with a divorced man, with a grown child and happier with a partner who is more appropriate.

Joan Toborowsky, a psychotherapist from Rosemont, Pa., observes the struggles of couples whose individual values are at odds with each other. She comments, "Just because people have different values doesn't mean that they can't work things out. But if something's going to interfere with the emotional intimacy of the relationship, that's problematic."

"It depends on how big the problem is," says Toborowsky. "If the opposing values cause someone to feel conflicting loyalties between his family of origin and his partner, that can be really difficult. When you can't continue to function in the relationship and it starts to mean too much to hang in, it's time to quit."

The fact is "true love does not conquer all." But mature couples with deep mutual affection understand that sometimes, the most loving act is to help each other move on.